Hearing Self

This is what I think I have been trying to do for a very long time. It reminds me of when I was little, playing in big concerts, but I could not distinguish which melody was mine… I knew I was in there somewhere. And then I got frightened when the conductor of the orchestra wanted to hear my section on its own… yikes! I would be exposed. Shall I play quieter? Will I let the section down? Oh the pressure!

It has often felt like this in my life but I understand now that it wouldn’t be so bad if I were to play the wrong note. Traditionally, music is harmonious and a melody line has a certain inevitability about it once it starts. But to parallel that with real life seems daft. I think, perhaps, that modern music – such as the work of Shostakovich – embraced a different set of aesthetics which indeed grew out of dissonance. Whilst we may try to make Human Nature into something predictable and melodic because it might feel safer or more comfortable to us, it does not have to be like this.

I can hear Self again. True, it is not entirely in tune with those closest to me, it is also probably not what is written on the sheet music.. but at least it is my own melody, and one that I am happy with. To hide the melody of Self is to deny the world from feeling you in all your beauty, even if there are imperfections. In fact, when I acknowledge imperfections, I feel closer to being connected with this world.. with this wonderfully crazy symphony.